


The Coat

by FKAErinElric



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Castiel's Trenchcoat, Dean Struggles With His Feelings, Love, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 03:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FKAErinElric/pseuds/FKAErinElric
Summary: Dean carried around Castiel's trench coat when he was gone. It was a reminder of the angel and Dean does not understand why he kept it in his trunk. Takes place in season 7





	The Coat

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:**
> 
> A found object jogs a character's memory/brings back flashes of the past.

 

            Dean Winchester felt lost. He had experienced many pains in his life. The last few years had been hard on him. Sam had gone to Hell and back and lost his soul in the process, he had Lisa and Ben and lost her shortly thereafter, Bobby had passed away, and Cas. It was all too much. His brother was becoming sicker with every passing day. He wasn’t sleeping anymore Dean knew this. Sam was hallucinating and everything.

            Dean’s soul ached he wanted someone to talk to who understood it all. Bobby was gone now, he didn’t want to add to Sam’s mental burden, and Cas was gone. His chest clenched at the thought of Cas. The angel had saved his ass and then turned around and busted open Purgatory and let out those nasty Leviathans.

            He pulled his keys out of his pocket as he walked to his car. Castiel had thought himself God right before he plunged himself in that lake. Dean frowned he could still see it Cas covered in that black ooze as he walked into the lake. It haunted his dreams. He pulled Bobby’s flask out of his pocket and took a nice long drink. He felt the amber liquid warm his throat and his stomach. Sam was right he was drinking too much. He pocketed the flask. He felt sometimes it was the only thing that was keeping him going. The last memento of Bobby a keepsake he was actually using. He would join the ranks of his biological father and his adoptive father; a drunk.

            He stuck the car keys into the Impala’s trunk. He needed to get their bags since they were staying the night at this motel. There it was looking at him like a harsh reminder saying ‘hey you had a friend once’. Castiel’s tan trench coat. He stared at it. He himself didn’t understand why he picked it up. He remembered the looks Bobby and Sam gave him. Bobby’s was one of understanding Sam’s was of confusion. Dean didn’t understand it himself. He looked at the dirty coat that was covered in blood and black ooze and it made him nauseous. Images of Castiel covered in that goo popped in his head.

            He closed his eyes and could see the weakened angel standing in front of the Purgatory gate his body weaving as he looked back at him and said.

            “I’m sorry, Dean.”

            He chewed on his lip. He remembered when Cas said it before he asked him if he felt better afterward and the angel told him ‘no’. His heart ached again. He was still staring at the coat. He had wished he had a chance to make things right with the angel. He was angry at him. Castiel had worked with Crowley behind their backs, brought back Sam with no soul (though Cas said that was an accident), brought in the Leviathans which lead to Bobby’s death, and cracked open Sam’s gourd. He should hate the angel. Should hate him with every fiber of his being but, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He ran his hand along the coat and sighed heavy. He did not understand his feelings towards the angel. He had never felt this way about anyone before not even Lisa and he thought he loved her. He picked up the coat and ran the fabric in his hands. The texture was soothing. The feel of the fabric was grounding. He had a few times considered washing the coat and wearing it just so he could touch it and feel like Cas was still with him but then it would wash off the last remaining scents of Cas. Cas had a pleasant smell; Earthy, otherworldly and a hint of the cologne that Jimmy had worn that day. Castiel didn’t have to wash his clothes or even take a shower because angels didn’t really sweat but he certainly had his own smell. And if the coat was washed the last traces of Cas would be gone.

            He looked up when he heard the door to the motel room shut. Sam was walking towards him. “You should be sleeping.”

            Sam gave a nod. “Yeah, well, you took too long to get the bags and I got worried.” Sam spotted the coat and looked at Dean. His little brother’s face transformed into one of pity and sorrow and he was the one with a messed up head. Thanks to the man whose coat he was carrying around in their trunk that he couldn’t let go of. “Thinking about Cas?” Sam asked as he reached in and got his bags.

            Dean frowned and scoffed. “Nope.” He grabbed his own bags and fought the urge to take the dirty coat in with him as he shut the trunk.

            “Dean, you can talk about it you know. I know he was your friend and that you cared about him.”

            He glared at him. “What are you getting at, Sammy?” Dean deflected as that was what Dean does. Dean didn’t want to talk about it. Sam was burdened enough, the world was in danger, and Cas was dead what is the point of him talking about his possible homosexual feelings towards the angel. He started to the motel and Sam followed him.

            “I’m not getting at anything, Dean. You’re awfully defensive today.”

            They walked into the motel room. Dean laid his bags on the bed and took out what he needed for the night. He emptied his flask then refilled it. The warmth traveled his stomach and yet he wasn’t drunk. He still felt pain. Pain at the loss of his father figure and pain over Castiel. Anger flashed over him. Why did Cas have to do that to them? If Cas had just come to him for help none of this would have happened. He growled in anger and kicked his bed. He felt Sam’s eyes boring holes into him.

            “I’m uh, going to go out for a bit.” Sam whispered. He picked up his jacket and headed to the door.

            Dean looked over his shoulder and shrugged. He figured Sam was getting away from him for the night. Dean sat down in anger and let out another growl as he downed the flask again. He refilled it and thought about just drinking straight out of the bottle. He finished the flask and put it in his pocket and started to drink from the bottle. The world was starting to become hazy just like he wanted. He didn’t want to feel pain anymore. He didn’t want to feel anything. He started to sob as the liquor took hold. He missed Cas he wanted him here. Hell, he’d give anything for a hug right now from him so he could bury his head in his chest and take in his scent. He wished he had acted on his feelings when he had a chance. Sure banging an angel would probably give him a first class ticket to hell, maybe, he didn’t know he wasn’t sure; but he wished he had told him. He drank from the bottle. He had thought about Cas a lot when he was with Lisa. He tried not to think about anyone. He ignored calls from Bobby, assumed Sam was dead but Cas he found himself wondering if the angel had watched over him. He let out a strangled cry. God, did he remember a few times with Lisa he fantasied it was Cas he was making love to. He had denied it told himself his mind was just being weird but… it happened several times. He leaned back on the bed and sighed. He remembered all those times how close he came to calling out Cas in the bedroom, those fun times in the shower by himself. He chewed his lower lip as he tingled at the thought. It had been something he had done before his mind trying to find some fantasy for him and bam blue eyes, black hair…

            Dean took another swig from the bottle. He didn’t understand if he loved the angel or just felt an attraction to him or what. He remembered when he last had Cas in the Impala after Sam went to the cage he had briefly entertained the idea of spending more time with the angel to learn and understand why the angel made him feel that way but Cas took off. He downed the rest of the bottle and tried to set it on the table. He missed and the bottle crashed to the floor with a loud thud. He stared at it and shrugged. “Fuck it.” He mumbled as he crawled to the top of the bed. His head was swimming now the booze taking over his body. He grabbed the pillow and pulled it close to his body. He had thought about that coat the coat that smells like Cas that carried the last traces of him on it. He rubbed his chin on the pillow and tossed it aside.

            He stumbled out of bed and staggered out to his car. He opened the trunk and stared at the coat. “What are you doing, Dean?” He asked himself as he picked up the dirty coat. He staggered back into the room and stood by Sam’s bed. What if Sam came back and found him with it? What would he tell him? _Yeah, Sam, I got really lonely and a little horny so I decided to cuddle a coat like a security blanket and I had lewd thoughts about an angel._ Yeah, that would get Sam off his back. He chuckled to himself as he got in the bed with the coat. He looked at it covered in ooze and now he wished he had washed it. It wasn’t exactly sanitary now that he thought about it. He shrugged. He would change his clothes in the morning and the sheets weren’t his so he didn’t give a damn. Truthfully, the funky coat was probably the cleanest thing that had ever been in the bed. He lay down and pulled the coat on top of himself like a blanket and drifted off to sleep.

 

&&&

            Dean woke up when his phone was ringing. He bolted upright his head pounded and the room spun. He blindly grabbed at the offensive item and answered it quickly. “Yeah.” He growled into it.

            “Hello? Mr. Winchester?”

            He frowned. “Who the hell is this?” he snapped

            “Oh… I am a nurse at Northern Indiana State Hospital. Are you Dean Winchester?”

            His mind was foggy why would a hospital call him? “Yeah, I’m Dean.”

            “You were listed on your brother’s emergency contacts.”

            He sobered up quickly after that. He looked over at the other bed and saw that there was no Sam in it. “What happened to, Sam?”

            “He was hit by a car. He’s okay physically its… well, it’d better if you got down here and seen.”

            He hung up the phone. He got up and packed up everything and tossed it all in the trunk including Sam’s bags. He stared at the tan coat. His heart wrenched. Sam’s condition was Castiel’s fault and here he was the night before wishing the angel was with him. He glared at it and shut the trunk. He got in the car and drove to the hospital.

 

&&&

 

            A complete mental break; that was what Sam had. Dean walked out of the hospital was heading to his car. He was truly alone now. Sam had finally snapped. He had to do something to help him. He had to. If he hadn’t pushed Cas the angel wouldn’t have cracked Sam like an egg. A new found wave of anger flashed through him as he got in the car. He started it up and started to drive to Rufus’s cabin. The weight of the coat felt heavy in the trunk. He had a passing thought to toss it in the woods and forget about it but he didn’t. He couldn’t do it. It was the last thing of Cas’s he had.

            He got to the cabin and got in the trunk to get Bobby’s contact book. He stopped and looked at the coat. The damn thing, he thought about burning it. He reached to it and grabbed it the fabric was soft and warm. He paused and ran his hand along it. He wished Castiel was there he could heal Sam. He took the contact book inside and went through Bobby’s contacts. None of them knew anything. His frustration mounted if only he had Cas who could heal his brother then he would be fine. The contact book fell on the floor and a contact card fell out. He stared at it as if it was a sign. He picked it up and called the number. Next thing he knew, he was on his way to see some faith healer.

 

&&

 

            Dean didn’t believe in faith healers they were often scam artists and conmen. He was skeptical of the guy when he first got there but nothing had prepared him for what he saw when he got there. Skepticism be damned, this dude was Cas. He called himself Emanuel and was married. Dean felt a brief flash of jealousy when he looked at Daphne the woman Cas had apparently married. At first, Dean had thought that Cas was just pretending; that he had come up with a fake identity to deal with the things he had done but soon he realized Cas really didn’t remember anything. The angel with no memory offered to help Dean. Dean’s heart was heavy. He was unsure of how to feel about Cas now. Cas had done so many bad things before he had died and he had almost forgiven him for the most part but being face to face with the angel that caused such conflicting feelings within himself made him even more confused. He suddenly felt very aware of the coat in the trunk as if it was a beacon. Like Dean had somehow known that he was going to meet his angel again and he could return it to him.

            He mentally sighed as he got behind the wheel of the car. He knew that wasn’t it. He wanted some reminder of Cas so he knew he was real. Even with everything that had happened he just wanted a reminder of his friend. He had no pictures of him just his memory and a ratty coat in the trunk. Now here he was and Dean was telling Castiel about himself. Funny how life is sometimes.

 

&&

 

            They arrive at the mental hospital along the way they had picked up the demon Meg. Dean was afraid to tell Emanuel he was Cas. He was afraid if he did then Cas would have a mental breakdown too. What Cas did was terrible. He knew if the man knew that he had done these terrible things it might break him. Dean’s heart nearly melted when those words came out of Castiel’s mouth.

            “Am I Cas?”

            Dean barely registered what happened after that, he remembered Meg telling him he could take on all those demons by himself. He remembered pulling out that trench coat and handing it to Cas. Handing off the coat felt right; it completed Castiel he wasn’t the same without his coat. He watched as the figure in the coat walked down to the demons and smite them all. Cas was back and Dean still wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

            They managed to save Sam from the demon that was going to fry his brain. Dean watched helplessly as Castiel tried to heal Sam who was so broken so damaged. He watched his friend’s face as he looked at his little brother. It was masked with guilt regret and pain; a pain one never truly gets over. Dean was and still was slightly angry at Castiel for what he had done to his brother but looking at it now he could see a brief flash of guilt.

            The angel looked at him and said. “I can’t heal him the damage is too great. However, I can take on his burden on myself.”

            Dean felt a brief twinge of guilt. One life for the other. His brother or his angel no other options. He watched as Castiel took on Sam’s burden. Sam awoke as if nothing had been wrong and Castiel… well, his wild-eyed glances at the walls were evidence enough. He watched the angel fall into a coma. He couldn’t stop him, couldn’t save him, and couldn’t do anything but watch as he gave up.

            Dean looked at Sam who looked back at him. They got the angel onto the bed and left him there. They walked into the hall and there was Meg waiting for them.

            She looked into the room and sighed. “Well, so much for my protection.” She glared at Dean. “Here I was hoping me and him could ride off into the sunset.” She said sarcastically. She crossed her arms and looked back at him.

            “I…” Dean started he shook his head. “I have a favor to ask.”

            She raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

            “Can you watch over him? While we are gone, in case he wakes up you know.” Dean felt defeated when he asked. He wanted to stay with Cas. He felt bad enough for leaving Sam to deal with his mess now he’s doing again to Cas.

            She gave a nod. “Yeah, be a good insurance policy.” She shrugged.

            Dean frowned. He hated to ask her. He knew that she would somehow use it against them but it was better than nothing. At least if Cas woke up they would know.

            She smiled a curious smile and asked. “So, Dean, why did you keep that coat?”

            Dean ignored the question and left the hospital with Sam. He didn’t know his reasoning himself and he wasn’t about to talk about his feelings and much less with Meg.

 

&&

            Dean spent nearly every day thinking about Cas after that day. He never told Sam he kept it to himself. Every time he got something out of the Impala’s trunk he would notice how the coat was gone. The constant reminder of the angel was gone now. He had no coat to sneak to bed and cuddle with as he fantasied about Cas, he had no coat to run his hands over, and he missed it. It and the flask filled with alcohol had been helping him cope with everything that had happened. Him and Sam continued hunting, they were still working on what Dick Roman was doing and how to stop the Leviathans. The constant work was a good distraction and the need for him to hold the coat dissipated. Then they found the tablet and then he received a phone call that he had been eagerly waiting for.

            “Cas is awake.” Meg had said. But she warned them that he wasn’t the same.

            Dean had practically torn up the pavement as he sped to the mental hospital. Sam in the passenger seat and tablet in the bag; he had questions for the angel but he just needed to see him.

 

            Dean was almost knocked on his ass when he did see Castiel. The angel was simply not himself and that was an understatement. He would ramble on and on with no real point to his talking, he broke the lights for the hell of it and worse yet he made a sad attempt at apologizing with a game of _Sorry_. Dean felt anger. He was made at himself for not being there for Cas, and mad at Cas for breaking Sam and thus causing this to happen, giving him the run around with his questions, the angel had become an irritation and yet. He felt pity for him. He wanted to take the angel home and look after him.

            The days went on like that, Dean and Sam continued to look for ways to gank the Leviathans and Castiel well… he became a mockery of himself. It came to a head when Crowley had told them they needed Castiel to defeat Dick Roman. Confronting Castiel on the subject was painful, to say the least. He refused to fight now stating he watched the bees now. Then finally Castiel said to him. “I’m cursed, Dean.”

            He looked at Castiel. His emotions had flooded over. He had forgiven him he was at a point he was happy to see him again and personally he just wanted his beloved friend back. “Cursed or not, Cas, there is no one else I would rather have by my side.”

            The smile that Castiel had given him after that had made Dean question if he was truly insane or not. He began to wonder if the angel had been ‘playing’ crazy. Maybe Castiel had been doing it as a defense mechanism. Dean understood that the angel had a hard time understanding emotions. They were a ‘human’ thing something a wavelength of celestial intent had no use for. Dean smiled back at Cas and patted him on the shoulder as the other man looked down and fiddled with the sleeve of his coat.

            Dean couldn’t recall what took over but he reached out and took Castiel’s hand. The angel looked up at him; his head cocked in confusion. “I missed you.” Dean said. His voice the softest he could ever manage. He pulled the angel close for a hug. He hugged him tightly the other man didn’t hug back for a minute then Castiel asked.

            “Am I supposed to hug back?”

            He laughed. “Yes, Cas.” He felt his arms wrap around him. He buried his head in his shoulder and took in his scent. It was hard to do since the angel was shorter than him but he managed. He never wanted to let him go. He wanted to memorize this moment like he had the coat in the trunk. He ran his hands along Castiel’s back and felt the fabric on his back. The coat felt better on the angel than it ever did on its own.

            “Dean?” Castiel asked. The hunter could feel the vibrations of his voice through his body.

            Dean suddenly felt self-conscious. He had been caressing the man for goodness sake. He pulled away and looked at the angel he wasn’t sure what for maybe to gauge his reaction. He was surprised by what he saw. Castiel looked at him. His blue eyes bore into him and it was an expression less of confusion and more of… love, adoration? Dean wasn’t sure but it wasn’t one of anger. “Sorry.” Dean said. He felt his face heat up.

            Castiel blinked. His gaze still held his. Dean shifted uncomfortably as Castiel stared him down. “Dean, I…” The angel frowned in his typical way. “I have watched humanity for years,” He rubbed his arms and held his gaze with Dean. “I have never,” He looked away.

            “What is it, Cas?” Dean reached out and laid his hand on his friend’s shoulder. He felt like this was a turning point. It was the moment. The moment they both needed and wanted. They had been dancing around it for about a year now it was like water boiling on a pot. If something wasn’t done then they would both overflow and spill out. They needed this. His heart pounded. This was it. It had to be.

            Castiel looked at him. His blue eyes sparkled. Crazy Cas was gone and regular Cas was taking over. “I never felt this way before for… anyone. Much less a human.” He looked away then back into his eyes. “It’s not normal… maybe it’s because of the burden I took on.” He looked away and Dean could see the shame on his face.

            Dean licked his lips and said. “Cas, listen, feelings are hard to understand I don’t doubt that,”

            Castiel cut him off. “Dean, we should deal with the Leviathans.” He sighed. “I caused this I should help end it.”

            “You don’t get off that easy.” He said his voice was gruffer than what he meant to be. Castiel shot him a dangerous look and Dean knew the conversation was over. A too long hug and eye fucking was all Dean was going to get out of Castiel.

 

&&

 

            They didn’t get an opportunity to talk about it after that. They made plans and had went on to kill Dick Roman. Dean and Castiel were now in Purgatory. Castiel had flown off and left Dean alone. The hunter was angry at him for leaving him alone to fight monsters. He took on hoards and hordes of nasties as he searched for Castiel. Many monsters he would stop and demand. “Where’s the angel?” He had to find Castiel. He couldn’t leave without him and he wasn’t dying alone and he certainly wasn’t going to die before they discussed their feelings. He picked up Benny along the way who had informed him that ‘three was a crowd.’ Dean wasn’t having it. He informed him that they looked for Castiel or the vampire wasn’t going to use him to get out of there and that was that.

            When they had found Castiel it was all Dean could do not to pour his feelings to the angel. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him how much he needed him. He could see that now in the time they were apparent when he was in the coma, when he was insane, and when he took off in Purgatory. That was why he kept the coat. He wanted no he needed his angel. Loving the angel was as simple as breathing to him now.

            They stared at each other breathing in the moment much to Benny’s discomfort. The vampire in question finally insisted they keep moving and thus the eye sex between man and angel ended and Dean was disappointed.

            They wandered through the woods in search of a portal they may or may not find. Dean kept looking over at Castiel. He stayed beside him worried about the angel vanishing again. “We never got to finish our conversation.” He said to him

            Castiel blushed slightly and gave a nod. “Not sure now is a good time either.”

            “Come on, Cas, one of us could die out here.”

            Castiel looked at Benny who was focusing on what was ahead. He looked back at Dean and shook his head. “This isn’t easy for me. I’m…” He looked down at the ground.

            Dean laid his hand on his shoulder. “Cas, please I just…” His mouth heavy with words. He wasn’t sure what to say to him. They stared at one another. He broke the gaze to look at Benny. The vampire gave him a smirk even he had figured it out and they only knew each other for a few days.

            “How about a break, Dean?” Benny suggested. “I’m sure you are tired. You are human and I see a cave.” He pointed into the trees.

            Dean looked at Castiel. He bore into him hoping to communicate with his eyes more so than his words. “Let’s go.”

            They walked back to the cave they went in. Benny told them he was going to take first watch. Dean realized the vampire was giving them space and time to talk. He made a note to thank him later. He watched as Castiel started a fire. Castiel looked tired. He didn’t know angels could get that way. He noticed how his facial hair had grown in and how dirty his clothes were. The long-loved coat had seen better days now.

            Dean sat beside Castiel. He reached out and took his hand. “Cas, we need to talk.”

            Castiel frowned. He looked away then back at him. “I am sorry, Dean. For everything.” He looked down at the fire then back to him.

            Dean reached up and ran his hand along his beard. “Cas, I’m terrible at feelings and you don’t understand them but… damn it…” He looked into the fire as it cracked.

            “Why did you keep the coat?” The question broke all of Dean’s thoughts.

            “What?” He looked at him.

            Castiel tilted his head. “Humans confuse me. You are angry with me, but you kept my coat…”

            Dean laughed and Castiel frowned at him. “Is it not obvious?”

            “No, or else I wouldn’t have asked.”

            “I thought it was clear when we talked before we took on Dick that I that we… well, I thought you…”

            “Please, Dean, make some type of sense. I can’t follow this broken conversation.”

            Dean ran his hand along Castiel’s arm feeling the dirty coat. “I kept the coat because it reminded me of you. It helped me… get through the tough times when you were gone.”

            “Tough times?”

            “When I missed you and I wanted you… Cas, I know you being an angel can’t understand but I wanted you there… with me telling me everything is fine. See… I would run my hands along it and think of you like you were there, I even slept with it.” He regretted telling him that when the angel frowned at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t think you,”

            “Dean, I… I wanted to tell you then but once my head got clear I didn’t think it was… mutual… Dean, I think I…” He sighed. “This is foolish.”

            Dean cupped his chin and made Castiel look at him. “I kept thinking about it. My feelings aren’t as platonic as I want them to be. Cas, I love you. I denied it but the more I did the harder it became and it hurt when you were gone. Yes, I was angry at you. You messed up bad but… I can forgive you and only because it’s you. If it was anyone else I would have killed them.”

            Dean watched Castiel’s body melt into the touch. He watched the angel go through all of the emotions he was feeling. “Dean, I think I love you too.”

            He smiled at him even though he saw a great sadness in Castiel’s eyes. He leaned forward and captured his lips with his. It was a brief kiss but it was a kiss full of promise and forgiveness. They loved each other.

            When the kiss broke Castiel looked at him and smiled a sad smile again. “You should rest, Dean.” He took off that dirty coat. He patted his thigh and Dean laid down head on his leg. Castiel draped the coat over his form. The angel ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean felt himself drift off to sleep the coat he had carried around in the trunk warm and soft against his body. He was glad he had saved it from the water that day. It was an item that held a lot of memories and feelings for Dean and Castiel. Even though it was just a coat.


End file.
